RebeccaEmin

The week before October half term, my school year has a residential trip planned. The trip is all about outdoor activities, so it’s just my thing. We’re going to be doing orienteering, abseiling, potholing, and loads more.

Allie is the least excited of all of my friends. She’s not keen on getting dirty and she’s been going on to me about how she’s going to pack all her make-up and her hair straighteners. It seems a bit pointless, but she’s my friend, so whatever makes her happy.

The boys are being typical boys about the whole thing. I just hope their mums help them to pack or they will stay in the same clothes that they arrive in for the week.

As we’re all at the school waiting for the coach to arrive, I’m surprised to see Max and William looking quite smart. I can also smell something similar to my dad’s aftershave.
“Jeez, what is that stink?” I say to Max. His cheeks go a strange shade of pinky-purple as he says, “Oh I just borrowed some of my dad’s stuff.”
I shoot him a puzzled look.
“Why?” I ask.
Max has never bothered to do anything like that before.
“Oh, you know…” he replies.
But honestly, I really don’t.

I hope I won’t get stuck on the bus next to Max as I’m not sure I want to smell that strong niff all the way to Devon. Luckily I end up next to William, and Allie sits next to Max. I’ll have to ask her if she likes the smell later.
“So, are you excited about this week then?” I ask William.
“Oh, I really can’t wait, Charlie, it’s going to be brilliant. I can’t wait to go potholing,” he replies.
“I’m looking forward to abseiling,” I reply, “and going to the beach. I love being on the beach in autumn,” and as we sink ourselves into a long conversation about the week ahead, I thoroughly enjoy our journey.

When we arrive, we all get off the coach and grab our bags from the driver as he hauls them out of the storage area underneath. I smile at Allie but she gives me a strange look. She seems angry about something. I roll my eyes, and wait. It’s not until we have all been shown to our bedrooms in the hostel that Allie turns to me and says, in rather an aggressive way, “What were you talking to William about?”
“Um, just the usual stuff, you know…” I reply.
“No I don’t know, actually; why don’t you tell me?” she says. She looks really odd; she has her hands on her hips and looks as if she’s about to start throwing punches. I find it really hard to keep my laughter under control as I’ve never seen her like this before.
“Look,” I begin, “William and I have been friends since we were born; we talk about anything and everything. What is your problem?” But as the words leave my mouth, I realise. She is jealous because I was talking to William during the coach journey. Jealous of William and I. This is so ridiculous I have to battle with myself to not get hysterical but as I do a kind of snort-laugh I know it will only wind her up further.
“You know that I have absolutely no interest in William, don’t you? He’s like a brother to me. I don’t even like Daniel Radcliffe like you do, so why would I fancy his sort-of-look-alike?”
With this, Allie looks like she has relaxed a bit. “Sorry,” she whispers. “I’m just a bit… well…” and she sighs. “I can’t stop thinking about him.”
I give her a hug. “Don’t worry about it,” I say. “Just don’t let it take over, as we have so much fun as a group, don’t we.” I stop short of telling her that he’s probably not interested, as it’s not up to me to tell her that. She needs to work it out for herself.

We get absolutely soaked on the beach. As soon as the coach pulls into the car park, the sky goes dark and a storm starts. I think the teachers are fed up but they herd us all off the coach anyway and we go for a bit of a hike in the rain and do some searching for beach life in rock pools like we were meant to, and then Isaac suddenly says, loud enough for a bunch of us to hear, “We’re so wet anyway, why don’t we go swimming.”
With that, a group of about eight of us leg it into the sea. We hear the teachers behind us frantically shouting “Come back,” but we all laugh and run on in. It was funny, but damn it was cold.

The coach driver is so pissed off. He says there’s no way we’re getting back on his coach unless we all take our trousers off. It’s fine for the others, they’re all boys, and they have boxers on, but I don’t feel brilliant about standing on the coach in my pants, especially as Max and William start to do some fake wolf whistles as I try to yank the soaking wet denim off my legs. I’m not sure it was worth the plunge into the sea to be honest. I sit on the bus shivering and feeling a bit self-conscious, so I decide from then on to fall in with what the teachers say. I don’t want to spend the whole week sitting on a bus in my pants.

That night we talk until really late, and when I finally fall asleep I have a vivid dream.

We’re on the school bus, and Allie and I are talking. It’s much the same as any normal bus journey. We stop at Jack’s bus stop. Everything starts to go in slow motion. The doors open, people get on the bus, and as Jack saunters onto the bus, it’s like he’s walking through treacle, but as he approaches the middle of the bus, where Allie and I are sitting, his eyes lock onto mine and he has a hint of a smile on his lips. He slowly walks back, level with us, and leans towards me. He says “hello gorgeous,” and as he leans closer and closer to me I shut my eyes. I suddenly sense that he has pulled back, and started to laugh. When I open my eyes to see what was going on, he’s standing bolt upright, pointing at me, and saying “Nice pants!!” loud enough for everyone on the bus to hear. I look down to see that I’m wearing a bright turquoise pair of pants with a picture of Mr Funny on.

At that point I wake up with a start. I can see that it’s very early in the morning as the chinks in the curtains reveal dark grey sky, but all of my friends are still asleep. I don’t want to go back to sleep in case I slide back into the dream. I stay in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about Jack. That was the second dream about him in as many weeks. And with thoughts of him in my head, I drift back into a dreamless sleep until the teachers knock on the door to wake us all up for the day.

I feel exhausted when we go down for breakfast but my friends cheer me up and the breakfast gives me more energy. It’s just as well as we’re going paint-balling and abseiling later. I can’t wait to abseil but I’m not so sure about the paint-balling, It might hurt. I decide to make sure that no-one manages to hit me.

Unfortunately, hoping to not get hit isn’t enough. By the time our hour is over, I have been hit three times by paintballs and each one stings worse than the last. I can’t wait to see the bruises, I bet they will be shiners. The abseiling is amazing. The people leading our session are so much fun. They’re called Jason and Bess and they don’t look all that much older than us, probably about eighteen or nineteen. I had always wanted to abseil and it turned out I was quite good at it. Allie, Max and William weren’t so keen but they were all good at it as well, even Allie when she finally managed to build up the courage to go for it. I was down at the bottom by this point and was willing her on. I actually felt quite proud to see her gracefully descend down the wall, and she looked delighted to get a hug from William at the bottom.

At the end of the session, we’re presented with certificates to show that we have abseiled down one hundred feet. As Jason hands mine to me, he shakes my hand, as he did with everyone else and quietly says, “You were by far the best at this, Charlie, you’re a natural at it.”

I smile at him, but I can’t really reply in case anyone else hears me. I just say, “Thank you,” as I take the certificate out of his hand. I also get a bit of a shock, as when he looks into my eyes as he hands me the certificate, I feel a weird feeling go up my arm and then down my back. I don’t know what is happening to me at the moment.

That evening, Allie and I sneak down to Max and William’s room. Everyone else is in bed. We grab some sweets that we brought with us, and creep along the corridor. I hope that we don’t get discovered as we’d be in deep trouble, but we make it ok.
Max and William have almost dozed off before we get there.
“Ouf, what, who… oh it’s you,” William says as we go in through the door.
“Hi again,” Max adds, running his fingers through his hair.
“So what now?” I say, “Anyone for a Starburst?”
As my friends hold their hands out for some sweets, Allie says, “Shall we play ‘truth or dare’?”
I roll my eyes in the darkness and hope that no-one can see. The last thing I want to do is take part in a game of truth or dare, knowing that Allie fancies William. It seems so wrong.
But Max says, “Oh yes, sounds like fun”.

This could get messy.

“Ok,” I sigh. “Who’s going first?”
“I will,” says Max. “Dare!”
What a surprise.
I try to think but before I can even take a breath, Williams says, “Snog Allie for ten seconds with tongues.” Allie looks really pissed off about this but she is up for the game so her and Max stand up and pretend to snog. I have to look away; it’s so cringe-making. Max looks like he’s happy after they finally separate.

William’s takes a turn next and he goes for a dare too. I want to help Allie out, really I do, but I can’t bear to watch her snogging William as well. “Hug Allie for a whole minute without letting go,” I say instead. “Oh that’s easy,” William says and they stand there hugging. William looks bored out of his mind, but Allie looks like she’s really happy. She probably enjoyed it more than snogging Max anyway.

When it comes to my turn, I opt for “truth”. I don’t want to end up snogging or feeling anyone up thank you very much. Of course Allie has to ask, “Tell us the truth, who do you fancy?”
Shit.
I take a deep breath and say, “Sorry Allie, but I fancy Jack.” Allie looks slightly confused, but she then smiles and says, “I don’t blame you.” I am so relieved that she is not mad at me.

Finally we get to Max. For some reason he says “truth” as well and William says, “Tell us the truth, who do you fancy?” Originality is obviously not part of his repertoire. Max goes a shade of red that is noticeable even in the dark, and says, almost under his breath, “Allie.”

Allie coughs, and shoots me a worried glance. I take my cue and say, “Right, now we’ve all had a turn, have another sweet and we’d better go back to our own room.” The boys grab greedily for my Starburst packet and after they have managed to con me out of two extra sweets each, we sneak back the way we came.

Once we are safely in our beds, Allie asks me, “Did you know?”
“To be honest it was obvious from the way he looks at you,” I say.
“Oh dear…” Allie says.
Too right, I think. But we don’t talk any more as it’s late and we both crash out, luckily. I have a feeling that won’t be the last of it though.

The next morning I hear a quiet tapping on the door. I glance over at Allie and see that she is still fast asleep so I get up and open the door. William is outside our room in his pyjamas. “What’s up?” I whisper.

“I had to come and talk to you, Charlie,” he began. I look up and down the corridor and beckon him inside as I don’t want to risk having a conversation out there and being caught by the teachers. They get really funny about things like that.
We talk in hushed tones as I point at Allie and make it obvious that she’s still asleep. William says, “It’s been driving me mad, ever since the summer, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”

“What?” I say in a panic. This is grossing me out. Doesn’t he know he’s like a brother to me? And that doesn’t even take into account the fact that Allie has the most enormous crush on him that I have ever had the pleasure of hearing all about.

I flick a look at Allie but she is still asleep and breathing in a steady rhythm. Thank goodness for that. She’d kill me if she’d heard what William just said.

As I look back at him, I sense movement, well within my comfort zone. He’s leaning right towards me and before I know what happens his mouth is pressed against mine and he’s trying to inch his arms around me and as much as I was feeling grossed out before I’m starting to feel excited. Suddenly it didn’t seem so wrong any more. But in my head all I could think was ‘Oh my god this is William, and Allie is over there.’ At the thought of Allie, I pull away and glance over at her. Although she looks like she is still asleep, I can see her eyes are flickering.

She is going to go mental.

As I start to panic, I hear a banging on the door.

Bang, bang, bang!

I sit up in bed, in a cold sweat. As I realise that it was only a dream, the relief takes over and I glance over at Allie as she sits up and rubs her eyes. I hear the bang on the door again and Mrs Tomlinson calls, “Come on girls, breakfast is in fifteen minutes.”
“Morning,” I say to Allie, “how are you feeling today?”
“Oh so much better, thanks Charl,” she replies, “but wow, I had a funny dream.”

As Allie begins to tell me the details of her dream about playing volleyball while being suspended from a wire bridge, I am just glad that she has no idea what I was dreaming about.

As we all line up to chose our breakfast I glance at William and I’m pleased to realise that the dream has not changed how I feel about him. I’m not sure why I have suddenly started to dream about every boy I have ever met, but at least it doesn’t mean that I have to fancy them when I wake up again.

We’re going on a bike ride along a disused railway line that has been covered in tarmac. It will be flat and smooth, and an easy ride compared with what William, Max and I usually take on through the woods. We’re all looking forward to it though, as we enjoy biking, and we pack our lunches up with enthusiasm. Even Allie is quite excited.

The morning passes without a hitch, and the boys and I end up at the front of the group because of our regular bike rides. Allie tries to keep up with us to start with but before long she realises that she’ll have more fun if she goes at a slower pace with some of the others. The whole time that we are ahead, William makes comments about some of the girls in our class and even some of the teachers at school. When he’s run out of people we know, he starts talking about actresses and pop stars. He’s not got any particular interest in anyone, it seems; he’s just realised that girls can be interesting for reasons other than as friends.

Luckily, by the time we stop for lunch he has exhausted that subject and starts talking about sport again. It’s nice to have the old William back. I’m not sure I’m interested in everyone’s latest obsession with snogging and stuff. I don’t really want to waste any time thinking about things like that.

Well, apart from when I have those dreams.

I grew up in a National Park, the rolling heat of the African plain a constant companion, along with the mammals that we observed. A child born of two rangers, it was natural that I would grow up and work in the base camp.

I was twelve when I had my first close encounter with an elephant. Elliot came to us after being attacked by an angry bull. Being young and defenceless, he hadn’t stood much of a chance, yet he limped towards our camp after his escape. The bull elephant must have been distracted to leave him before he had finished the job.

For four days we fought to keep Elliot alive. We fed him formula and cared for him day and night, but we were still learning and it wasn’t enough. I held his head on my lap as he slipped away from us. We buried him under a large Boscia tree, and the next day his family group arrived. It seemed that they had been watching from afar. Mimi, the matriarch, and her team of cousins, aunts and sisters gathered under the tree and somehow unearthed his shallow grave, only to cover it again with leaves and branches. Week by week they visited and carried out their rituals as I watched. When Elliot was nothing but dry bone, still they gently covered him with leaves and lightly stroked his jawbone with their trunks.

Life felt balanced in our base. Animals and man lived in mutual respect. The problem we faced was the tourists. Although we were not in a tourist area, certain trips passed our way. They treated us like a curiosity, and named us on their ‘must view’ lists, after the Big Five.

Mimi and her family visited regularly, yet always seemed to be absent when the tours came by. My parents, the other rangers and I also tried to melt into the landscape when these invasions occurred. Apart from when it was the tours ran by Benson. When he came to the base, his clients were always given fresh lemonade and respite from the scorching sun for a while, as my parents told them a little about our work.

My family always joked that one day Benson and I would have a family of our own. The son of two former rangers, he now lived elsewhere but always called in when he was passing. I learnt all I needed to know about biology from the animals we observed. It was to be expected that once I was of a certain age, he and I found a quiet space and did what came naturally. I wasn’t quite sure how I was supposed to feel, but he smiled each time as he walked away. Studying elephant for years had made it clear that males were not designed to stick around.

As I neared the age of twenty, Benson’s tour was diverted to another area of the reserve, and the visits ceased. I had no concerns that he no longer visited me. These things happened all the time.

Our elephant family continued to visit. Years after Elliot died they still congregated under the Boscia. It was fascinating to watch.

The summer of my twentieth year brought changes. My once easily bronzed skin began to burn. I stayed inside for longer as nausea burnt my throat. Once I recovered, I ventured outside again. One afternoon, in the shade of the Boscia tree, I fell asleep.

Waking suddenly I felt claustrophobic; an unusual sensation on the wide open plain. As I reluctantly opened my eyes, I saw Mimi and her family standing above me. They encased me on every side yet avoided trampling my body. I shivered in the afternoon temperatures as one of them touched me. Suddenly their trunks were all over me. Their gentle, tender explorations meant me no harm.

They slowly turned and walked away, until only Mimi was left. Her trunk casually held above my midriff, she gave me a knowing look before walking off behind her family.

I thought nothing more of it. Nothing unusual happened for a few more weeks, until the time when the cramping came. I thought of Benson and our time together. I grabbed my cleanest shawl and headed off to the forest edge, crouching alone, until the cramping ceased.

As I walked back to base, the shawl swaddled my offspring. Red rivulets ran down my legs as I had not thought to stem the flow. The baby scrunched his eyes up against the searing sunshine. I shaded him with my shadow as best I could, as I searched the camp for my mother.

“Look, Mama,” I said as I showed her the newborn.
“Oh, gracious,” she exclaimed as she sat down, knowledge and realisation mixing like an emulsion.
She gazed at him, his tiny black eyes wide in a mocha face, and knew more than I that he was yet another reason to hide when the sunburned tourists came passing our way.

For three weeks, I strived to feed him, but the camp was a harsh place. Under the raging sun, infection took hold and spread quickly, rendering travelling to the distant hospital for treatment impossible. Mama assured me that she would look after Benson. I let go, knowing that he was in safe hands.

There was no priest at my burial. I was laid to rest as I had requested, on the other side of the Boscia tree. It was fitting to be with Elliot again; another who I had tried and failed to nurture. As my Mama took over the raising of Benson Jr, the love that she had felt for me transferred to my son. She held him close and smiled through her tears as they left me that day.

Deep, searching, soulful eyes watched the burial from a respectful distance. Mimi and her family then approached, and stood under the Boscia. Their trunks gently skimmed the freshly laid earth as they grieved again. Their visits lengthened and became more frequent, as they mourned an equal and a friend.

Benson never did return to the camp. But Mimi revisited until Benson Jr grew up and left. It was as if she was keeping him safe and willing him to thrive. As, once, I had tried to do for Elliot.